16 January 2012
Cause of ambivalence:
Train rides (reminiscent of my childhood back and forth)
"Dear train ride,
I love the soft rattle and the rumbly sounds. I love that being here forces me to sit still with myself for a few hours. But you also remind me of a painful part of my childhood that I hated. I am ambivalently yours. ❤"
In the basket in front of my seat.
My parents separated when I was five. Since then it was my mother vs. my father (who were complete opposites). They lived about three and a half hours apart and I spent many hours in the train, bus or car, going back and forth. My upbringing wavered within this back and forth; between Quebec and Ontario, two provinces at the center of Canada’s ongoing cultural and language divide, two provinces at the center of my parental divide. From the age of five, every major decision that required the advice and guidance of a parent was put in front a panel of opposites. Choosing one meant the rejection of the other, so I always stood somewhere in the middle and gave myself permission to take what I needed from each side. I believe that this is where my rebellion against choosing began.
Labels: MY AMBIVALENCE